Five new friends and a microphone

So here I am again at this familiar crossroad. You know, the one where you look both ways to figure out which way your life is headed? I've been there many times, and I usually just stand there frozen, unable to make a choice. Fear and uncertainty have been the concrete in my shoes for far too long. I know this blog isn't really meant for typing out my feelings, but this is different. Last night was different. So now I stand at this crossroad not knowing which way to go, but knowing that where I stand isn't good; if I keep standing here I'm going to get run over.

Let me just start off by saying that this is going to be a long, long, long entry; if you don't have time to read it, you may as well come back when you do. Since the last time I posted here, I've had a very turbulent personal life that has taken me down to my lowest and back to my highest, only to bring me back down again. Today, I am sober and able to see things more clearly than I have in quite some time. Maybe I'm looking into it way too much, maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on inconsequential circumstances, but I've rarely guided my life with feelings. In fact, I usually hide them for the sake of others' happiness. Today is different.

Yesterday after fighting with my ex for a while, I got a text from my favorite pen pal who wanted to hang out. I was already pissed off and drinking, and getting out the door was almost not going to happen. I was prepared to spend the entire night alone, drinking and listening to music in the dark. Also, the invitation was to hang out in a group setting; for those of you who know me, I'm pretty anti-social due to my own perceived inadequacies as a person, so group settings usually make me nervous. Do you know what I said? Fuck it, let's do this. The last thing I need is to sit and feel sorry for myself; whatever venom my ex would like to spew my way shouldn't affect me anymore. Off I went.

As I'm making my way to the meeting point, Chef texts me. He knows I've been drinking, and knows all the shit I've been dealing with. Here's what I got:

'It is what is is brother, some birds fly and some spend their entire life watching the flight of others'.

I stared at that text while I sat at the table with my friend and her friend who came along. I was enjoying wine and the company of two fine people, and you know what? Chef was right. I needed to stop keeping myself grounded, worrying about what people think of me. I need to move. Get the blood going. Feel again. I called him a weirdo because I was already buzzing, but in reality I should have just said thank you. I decided that whatever happened tonight was just going to happen. Go with the flow for once and see where it takes you.

From there we went to a fancy version of Taco Bell for some light refreshments (read:margaritas) and to meet another of their friends. While at the restaurant, I disclosed a very embarrassing story, a very difficult event in my life, and my not-so-stellar background with the ladies. Not something I typically share with strangers, but the alcohol combined with an I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude seemed to calm me into a state of peacefulness with myself. So I divulge all of this personal information to these strangers, and do you know what happened? Absolutely nothing. No judging, no gasping, no head-shaking, nothing. Instead, I got genuine questions, light-hearted jokes, and the conversation moved on. Hmm...that was easy. I sat back and just poured the drinks as they poured more conversation and made me feel at ease.

After we polished off our second (or was it third?) pitcher of frozen spirits, we headed off to a sushi joint with karaoke. It was super busy, but I was glad to be there. I was in the company of brand new friends, and I was comfortable as well as warm inside from many alcoholic beverages. It was at this point another friend texted me out of the blue; my old friend Anastasia, asking how I was doing. She was checking in to make sure I hadn't succumbed to alcohol poisoning in my own home and to let me know she had my back if it all came crashing down again. Just then, two more new friends walk in to join us and it's a fucking party now.

So here I am, out on the town enjoying new relationships, being reminded of how much people care even when I'm not around, and it happens. I get a text. It's the ex:

'Sorry to interrupt but I have a question about something ***** said' (referring to my daughter)
'Ok'
'Can you please call I don't want to text'
'Why, you can't type the question?'
'Forget it then I told you I felt it was impersonal it was just something ***** told me and I wanted to see if it was true'
'Well I can't see why it's so pressing at 1am'

My daughter goes to bed at 10pm every night, which in itself is too late, but there's no way she's awake at 1am telling her mother anything of importance. Apparently that was the wrong answer, because it was then followed by this little nugget:

'Oh I also forgot to tell you that if you see ***** tell her I said she is a fucking whore and I hate her' (referring to the woman I had an affair with)

Then, this:

'Just do me and ***** a favor and treat her like your other kids and abandon her. You are so selfish. While you're at it why don't you find another woman to knock up and then abandon her seeing that you are a pro at it'

Would anybody like to raise their hand and take a guess how that affected my night? I gestured to my concerned friend on my left, who has been a saint through this in more ways than I could ever explain. She read what was said, her mouth gaping open at the hatred being tossed in my direction. She grabbed my phone, put it down, and simply told me to ignore it. It doesn't mean a thing unless I want it to. Not exactly a revelation, but it's always easier to take advice from a friend when you already know it's the correct advice. I immediately became withdrawn from everyone, because when you've had some past issues with abandonment, that shit hurts. She asked if I was alright, and let me tell you, you can't hide anything from this woman. She knew it hurt, and it did. But it was my time to sing karaoke!

I was probably too drunk to be up there (if that's even possible for karaoke) but I got up there and did my thing. I know it seems dumb, but it was nice to have all these new friends supporting me like we were old friends. The night continued and there was no reason to be upset. I was around good people having a good time. So why am I going to let my past creep up and snatch that from me? I was back into a good groove again, and there was also sushi to eat. However, as we all took turns heading to the stage and doing our best to entertain, I had to step outside for a few moments and gather my thoughts. I couldn't ignore the fact that despite how much fun I was having, the woman who had custody of my daughter was doing her best to ruin my night; what could she be saying to my little girl that I don't know? That thought quickly brought me out of my good mood, and I did not want it to spoil the night.

As I stood outside contemplating that and other things, one of the members of our party came out for a smoke. Now this guy has only known me for a few hours, yet he knew exactly what was on my mind. I blurted out everything I was thinking of at the time, probably unnecessarily so, and he just sat and listened. Although I was glad to have finally gotten some things off my chest, I was also disappointed at the fact that I had missed 'the most awesome rendition of Heartbreaker' according to our other friends who had just come walking out. It was late, and the night was over. I was going to head back to my place and hope that I could sleep without picking up another bottle; we said our goodbyes to one another and started out for home.

But wait! There's more!

My new friend who I'd just confided in was a little too wasted to get home on the other side of town; my place was just an exit away, a mere five minute drive. Looks like I'm hosting a little after-party! After checking with our mutual friend as to whether I was going to get robbed or not (all good), we just chilled and chatted as he tried to sober up. Mr. Turtle was not amused. Just then, our mutual friend texted to say she was on her way since we're still up. Yay! Now it's a REAL after-party. Not much really happened after that, except the fact that two people I barely know (ok, I know one really well) needed a place to stay and I offered it up. This sad, empty little apartment was full of people who felt comfortable enough with me that they wanted to stick around.

I know to most of you this isn't really a big deal, but when you've had very few friends in your life and you have a hard time trusting people, this was kind of a big thing for me. I'm always unsure of myself, and I tend to withdraw instead of engage. I'm not saying that the entire night has made me an incredibly social person, but it makes me want to be. I want to have fun, I want to get out. I no longer want to sit here and feel sorry for myself, because there's nothing to be sorry about. I am who I am, and the people who don't like it don't really matter I guess. If I need any confirmation of that, all I have to do is remember the text I got from one of my friends who stayed last night:

'Hi! Just wanted to see how you were doing following your unnecessary hate texts...and to remind you that you're not any of those things!!!'

If she can see it, and everyone else can, I can too.