Man, am I tired. I am so exhausted I don't even want to think about thinking anymore. There are so many things hitting me all at once, with one constant shining beacon of hope blinking right in my face. If it weren't for that one ray of sunshine, I would surely drown. By the way, I am writing all of this down as a form of self-therapy, like many of us do. Some people will read it, although it's main intent is to not entertain, it is to help talk myself into what needs to be done.

I have been down a similar path before; alone and left to my own devices, it's not a pretty picture. In fact, it's a disturbing portrait that ends in self-destruction. But I am not alone this time. I guess I never was, but this time around I am not convincing myself otherwise. Nobody is ever going to mistake me for a perfect person, and I shouldn't waste energy trying to portray a perfect image. I am who I am, and if you can accept that, then you can accept me. I have found a rare example of that type of person, and it is up to me to remain true to that.

I've got problems, problems that I don't really want to deal with. A shitty job with a boss breathing down my neck, a pending divorce that threatens to take away my independence, both financially and parentally, a musical hobby that for lack of a better word has completely halted due to my own inability to translate happiness into song, self-pressuring myself into situations that require more than a fleeting moment of thought, and I am a father of three children from three different women, all of which are completely bat-shit crazy. Add to that the fact that I am living completely beyond my means financially, it is a situation that would drive a lesser man to either suicide or cutting himself off from everyone and disappearing.

I used to be a lesser man.

As it turns out, you can completely change your own opinion of yourself if you just wake the fuck up and realize what's around you. I can tell myself a million times (and I have) that I'm not worth the skin I surround my organs with, that the world would be better off without me, that nobody would remember me for anything but a terrible person. These are all things I can use to make myself deal with killing myself easier, but why would I want to lie to myself? You may be reading this right now and not have a clue who I am, but if I have ever come into contact with you, even if just through this entry, you will remember me. I leave an imprint wherever I go, and I am reminded of that way more often now than I ever was before. I would be missed by not only the people who I've surrounded myself with, but the people who I've touched in the past and those who I have yet to touch.

You may think that I am going from one extreme to the other, that I have this sudden feeling of self-importance, but think about yourself for a moment. I'm sure the same is true for you. So what, I have problems. Everyone does. I also have people in my life who are there to pick me up when I fall, or at the very least tell me to get the fuck up before I get run over. When you're constantly torn down by the ones that are supposed to care about you, you begin to mimic those actions. I am in a different place now, one where constant coddling followed by secret destruction no longer exists. I stand taller now that I have someone who loves me despite my flaws, someone who I don't have to hide things from in order to ensure a constant flow of attention. Sure, it's not always an easy road, but it's a road that's sure to get me somewhere. Happiness in the truest sense of the word. A real, lasting happiness.

So yes, I am tired. I am so fucking tired that I don't want to wake up and deal with the issues facing me today. But you know what? I have to, because nobody is going to do it for me. So I either get up and get to work on my life or sit around waiting for it to change. And if I wait, it will change; just not for the better. It has taken me almost twenty minutes to write this entry and in that twenty minutes I have convinced myself to do just that. Wake the fuck up, asshole. You didn't get this far by watching shit happen, did you?